I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
