Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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