so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
