It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This beer is not sobering me up at all
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
