Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
