i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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