I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
