Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
