I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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