apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
