bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There's even glitter on my cock...
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