I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
