I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
