Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
