You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
