i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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