Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
