i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
