Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I touched a dick in church today
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