I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
