I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
