WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
