You're earring is so big in my mouth
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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