Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
