So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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