Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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