david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Come see our sink grown plant.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
