my sisters under your porch take her home
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
