I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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