I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he puts the penis in happiness.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
this is an emotional support booty call
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
