The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
ttyl tear gas
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
