This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
