apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
