woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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