i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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