Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
