gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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