why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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