6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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