Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
