You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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