What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
