any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
