I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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