I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The adults are the big ones right?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
