You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
