I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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