So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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