I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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