If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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