My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize