omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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