my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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