I showed him my bush... on skype.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
