Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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