remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
