apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
