And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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