apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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